(you all knew this was coming) For all my bitching and complaining- I must admit all those moms that told it was completely worth it were absolutely right. At the time, I figured it was something they say to recruit unsuspecting victims into the Mommy Club or to console those foolish enough to believe them enough to get pregnant. I heard of moms feeling that gush of love as soon as their baby is put on their chest- I don't think I felt that way. I suppose I had already gotten used to loving my little bundle of personality when she was in the womb- she had a very distinct personality. So similar to mine I couldnt help but to feel pride that my surly opinionated genes had outmatched my husband's congenial polite ones. (Score one for the bitch genes!!) I loved that she angrily kicked me when I changed positions causing her to shift and sway in her little watery abode. I love that she refused to do what I wanted when I wanted it but instead acquiesced on her own terms (like flipped from breech to head first) When she was born and put on my chest and immediately pooped all over me I loved that I hadnt imagined that stubborn 'haha screw you' streak. I think it was the combination of pride and complete awe that overcame me rather than intense feelings of love... no those feelings came slowly trickle by trickle at unexpected moments.
Like in the middle of the night when thank God she finally latched on and I readjusted so I don't feel like my tit is on fire- I look down at her content little face as she guzzles away like a frat boy at the keg and I feel it. When she makes eye contact with me (true its a squinty eyed extremely suspicious glare, but its eye contact) and I feel it. I think I feel it the most when I see my two greatest loves interacting- the sight of my husband cooing and oogling over the tiniest little bundle in his arms has made me happier and more content than I ever thought possible (it might also be because of our 'if she does it while you have her.. you change her' rule combined with the sheer fact that for the time being I am not holding her and my arms get a much needed rest)
As she gets a little older and more like a baby and less like a tightly swaddled sausage- I feel it even more- there is really nothing as intensely amazing as when your child smiles at you (actually AT you not in your proximity by accident)
I could of course go on and on, but I have a poopy diaper to change :)
