Saturday, July 28, 2012

The Wide Hip Curse or All in God's Plan

So I have a theory, but I need to back up a little.

As soon as I saw that fuzzy 2nd line on the pregnancy test I knew it would be awhile before I could fit into some of my favorite clothes again... like 10 months, right? I mean I'm young- my body will just snap back in place like one of those Stretch Armstrong toys. (Forget that I have the exact same muscle tone as it too) So I lovingly and with the early pregnancy excitement that I wish I could go back and just smack off my face pack up these clothes.

Ahh these clothes- the symbols of my youth. As my fingers carefully fold the glittery leopard print pants and sadly yes ,matching halter (no, I didn't wear them together at least not all the time) I recollect fondly on the memories they evoke. In every day, I am actually a fairly conservative dresser (thank you Catholic nun led schooling for pounding into me that the flesh is evil and dirty) but when I would go out to bars or parties I let loose a little- ya know, take the sisters out for a night on the town.

Well needless to say I was slightly over optimistic when I thought I would return to prepregnancy me a month after birth. And, of course, by 'slightly' I mean 'REALLY'.
But now, 13 months later I am finally back to my college weight which is good because I had gained quite a bit of weight during law school- I blame their Final Exam Candy Bowls of Evil. Anyway, so after months of carefully watching what I eat and diligently exercising I’ve shed the weight. Haha, I couldn't even write that without laughing- no I don't have time to eat anything but the scraps off my daughter's plate (and she eats like a Viking) and then I spend the rest of the day chasing her giggling butt around while trying to keep her from drawing on the dog, but I digress.

So WAHOO. I'm college weight right so I'm going to drag out all those memories and put them on just to remind myself how hot and sexy I used to be... alright! I pull out my favorite pants ever... black faux leather low rise. If you knew me in college you will remember these. I wore them ALL THE TIME. I skanked them up with a halter and blue eyeliner for the bars and I dressed them down with a sweater for class. (just writing that makes me shake my head in shame) I rip off my awesome eeyore sweats (college AND law school friends will also remember these) and slip them on. Wait, they seem to be stuck on something...namely my hips. I can't pull them up. This makes no sense. I am the same weight that I was the last time I wore these! NOTHING HAS CHANGED!! Then in the distance (and thanks to baby monitor, in the closeness too) a baby cries. Sighing, I yank them down to attend to baby and begin to ponder this.

So here's the theory....chances are very very high that had I fit into those pants this morning I would have worn them to storytime at the library, and the grocery store, and the park (I bet the plastic-y faux leather would have been AWESOME going down the slide) Given this unavoidable temptation- I think my pants magically not fitting is all God's way of saying "mothers don't wear faux leather pants that show their thongs" The new bulges on my hips are nature's literal speed bumps designed to say " whoa mom, let's rethink those jeans that lace up the side." God, in his infinite wisdom, has created a very effective way of making sure the keepers of civilization, the molders of humanity, the bearers of the next generation don't go around showing off their tits and asses. How can we be models of everything that is right with the human race if we are showing whale tale?

Now, some mothers have worked around this natural way of things by going out and buying their prepreg, party clothes but in the NEXT size up. This is simply laughing in the face of God and they will be smited and punished probably by ending up on People of Walmart.com like this..
There are also mothers who 6 weeks postpartum just slide right back into those rhinestone capris without any difficulty or mysterious bulges... those women are freaks of nature. Sorry, but it’s true. By being able to wear all those un-mom clothes they are clearly going against God's plan and frankly, probably sold their souls in order to do it.


* This is not to say that mothers should not be sexy or dress fun, but there needs to be a new sexy, a new fun... Tigger instead of Eeyore or something...

Friday, July 27, 2012

Well if it isn't Mr. Mary Poppins

I'll start by saying that I have no idea what I do with my day. I wake up with a head full of plans and somehow end the day with the house just as messy, laundry just as undone, dinner just as uncooked, but somehow I am EXHAUSTED. Okay, yes I do chase after a very active and demanding 1 year old all day. So I feel hey as long as I keep her alive, decently fed, and not screaming the entire day I have actually accomplished quite a lot, right? It annoys me to no end when my darling husband seems bewildered when he comes to a total mess with nothing accomplished (except for happy fed baby, of course). He isn't mad, just confused. Ok hot shot you do it if you think it's so easy...

This week I had a very important appointment to attend that required getting ready, looking good, and being on time. So, of course, husband takes over baby care in the morning while I am gone. Now, I love baby and I love husband, but there is a tiny tiny angry troll part of me that hopes baby acts like her true demonic self and he can get a taste of my mornings. I secretly hope that I will come home to a dirty naked little maniac running around a house that is one piece of junk mail away from being declared a state of emergency with a frenzied exhausted husband covered in baby's breakfast and possibly some baby poo. (I know, I am cruel and awful- no surprise there) I cackle gleefully at this image especially the part where husband sees me, falls to his knees, and begs me to never leave the house again and later returned home with a dozen roses and his eternal praise over my superior mothering ability......
(you know where this is going)
I get home and wait for the deluge of complaints and praise- what's that noise? Oh, its silence… followed by a giggle. Oh, maybe she somehow figured out how to tie him to a stake and I am just in time to save him! I look down to carefully step over the toys and other random junk on the floor and I almost trip over the nothingness. There is nothing on the floor.... WE'VE BEEN ROBBED!!! I run into the kitchen... the robber took all of our dirty dishes!!! And cleaned up the counter... wait a minute. I look through the clear window (formerly covered in sticky handprints and dog boogers) and see my husband pushing a laughing, fully dressed baby in the swing. He is also dressed and sadly not covered in any kind of filth.

Fastforward past my confusion and disappointment. Apparently, Mr. Wonderful not only took really awesome care of baby, but he also managed to tackle my to- do list... you know the one that I have been chipping away at for oh I don't know-a YEAR! WTF!!! Ok, now I know what you are thinking- geez you ungrateful wench I would love it if my husband was able to clean AND take care of the baby. No, you wouldn't- you think you would, but you wouldn't. You would feel just as horrible as I felt. Not only can husband keep baby better fed, better dressed and happier, but he can also do it AND freaking clean the mountains of mess that have piled up during my reign of neglect. Now I have done an amazing job thus far protecting myself from "supermoms". I relish in the fact that my friends seem to have just as tough a time as I do- in fact if any of them behaved as husband did I would immediately cut them out of my life. (Digression, if any of my friends are actually Supermom they have the good sense to hide it and complain just as much as I do AND I think they are actually pretty super anyway)
Back to husband who has morphed into some horrible combination of Mary Poppins and Mr. Clean. I have no idea how he did it- then it occurs to me... he knew about this appointment two weeks ago. That is PLENTY of time to make the necessary preparations. I bet as soon as I pulled out of the driveway a van full of little Merry maids pulled up and got right to work and a brunette Julie Andrews came down our chimney and immediately worked her babycare magic... no wonder he looked so refreshed- I bet the bastard got a nap in as well. Yea, now it makes sense. Phew, and there I was thinking he did it all on his own and that I was somehow horrifically inadequate. Ha! Well, I feel better.....

Friday, July 20, 2012

Move over Justin Biever-whatever your name is...

Turns out I am an international sensation! Ok not really, but I did notice that every now and then someone who isn't me or my immediate small group of friends stumble upon my page and sometimes they are from another country! This is completely exciting and just sort of awesome...

Are you, my international fanbase, actually reading my posts? or is it accidental and you immediately click off it? I sort of fear that "Navigating the Bump" actually just mistranslates into something awesome in your languages... If so, please god let it not be about that Bieber kid!

I hope its that other people, besides those who know and tolerate me, are actually enjoying my blog because I am looking for an International Fanclub to form, hehe....

All self-centered jokes aside, I would really like to know-

1) where you are from

2) if you meant to click on my blog and read it :)

Thanks!!

Stillness

In the world of motherhood just when you have a bad day where you spend moments wishing you could throw on some glitter high heels and go out clubbing (before realizing, of course, that clubbing makes my head hurt, slimey club men make me want a shower and glitter high heels give me blisters) you wake up to a completely different world.

a little background- my daughter is, like every other baby her age, teething. Also like other babies she is not handling it well. We tolerate it during the day mostly because she is a happy go lucky baby that is easily distracted from her pain... nighttime is a different story.

For the last several nights, she has woken up around 1 ish screaming in pain. Like any other mother this is heartbreaking (and annoying- seriously Mr. Tooth JUST COME THROUGH ALREADY AND CEASE THIS TORTURE!!)

so I break all the rules about night time waking and rock her and shh her until her tylenol kicks in (god bless you painkillers!) She finally falls asleep in my arms (I know, bad mommy, breaking sleep training rules!)

Its this moment that I love the most about being a mother. Yea, Awake Baby is a lot of fun and her smiles and giggles are precious but her daddy gets those too. This moment, this silent golden moment of complete contentment, is mine alone. No one has seen this moment, but me. Just us in her room the nightlight casting its gentle amber glow. My beautiful daughter snuggled against my chest, breathing softly (ok snoring)with the faintest hint of a contented smile on her face. It brings me back to those early blissful days when I just held her after she dozed into her milk coma (ok I was terrified to wake her but recollection softens those memories). Outside, nothing moves, not even the wind. Inside the only movement is slow sway of my rocking chair. Everywhere around us is stillness and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Mommy Reviewer

Since everyone cares ohh so much about my thoughts and opinions, I decided that I am going to read books and then blog about them. I really feel this is the next logical step in my path towards total self-importance. So I guess stay tuned- I'm checking a bunch of stuff out of the library and I have tofind time to read it.....

Curse of the Stay At Home*

So during my daily morning routine of checking a certain social media website I can't help but to notice how awesome and exciting other people's lives seem. I can't help feeling like I am accomplishing nothing. Yea yea yea I know I am "molding a human being" my job "is the most important in the world" blah blah. Yes it is completely true that being a mother is the most important and most rewarding job on the face of this earth, but it sure doesn't seem like that somedays. I think this is the curse of the stay at home.

Whether you are home by choice (lucky you) or because no one wants to hire you (sighhhhh), there is still the nagging feeling that you aren't doing anything. Yea, in the long term a mother is accomplishing more than a Nobel Prize winnning scientist. The long term result of the daily readings of Dr. Suess and endless patty cake is pretty amazing. Yet, it doesn't feel that way when each day feels like its just the same mindless tasks on the to-do or fatigue-inducing toddler entertainment. It is hard to see the forest through the trees. Regardless of how busy I am and how entirely drained I am at the end of the day I still somehow feel as though I have accomplished nothing!!! You know that saying "a woman's work is never done" (first of all, it should be a "mother's work") well the saying is true. It doesn't matter how many dishes I washed, how many meals were prepared, or how many gross 'my god what did she eat' diapers I change- the next day I just start all over again as though my hardwork didn't do anything. Why bother washing the floor when not 30 seconds after I put the mop away my darling daughter throws her plate of cantalope on it? The only thing I successfully put away permanently is that bag of chips, but that's only because it found a new home in my tummy....

A friend recently asked how motherhood was and since she's a pretty good friend I decided to be honest. My response? It is like trying to dig a hole in the sand entirely too close to the waves. Everytime you make a little progress whoosshhh the wave washes it away and you are left feeling as though you did nothing, but just like motherhood after hours upon hours of doing this over and over you have AMAZINGLY strong arms and sand everywhere. (I'll let you ponder that last part)

Ultimately, motherhood is rewarding, I guess. I just have to keep repeating it to myself- Every diaper, every painstakingly diced up piece of food, every nighttime wake-up call brings her one tiny unsteady step towards adulthood. Everyday that I diligently chase after her, patiently pick up everything that she drops again and again, and realistically fake enthusiasm for yet another game of patty cake she is becoming a better human being. and God help her if she doesn't include me in her Nobel Prize acceptance speech!




* I am sure this feeling is not limited to Stay at Homes, but I can only write what I know (or at least can reasonably convince you that I know)

Monday, July 16, 2012

My kid's name is better than your kid's name*

At first I was feeling a little guilty that I expressed such disgust at our college friend's new baby's name to my husband. I won't mention it here but think whore... of BIBLICAL proportions. I judge my friends' choices of names all the time. This is probably why they refuse to tell me until I am actually holding little Albert or Samoa. I don't just judge randomly I have rules

1- If you aren't pregnant and you tell me any possible offspring names you will get my complete uncensored opinion. Case in point- Our friends decided that if they were going to have twin girls they would name them Rose and Scarlet and I said "oh so you will be giving birth to a stripper and an 80 year old lady?' (I am pretty sure I stole that joke from somewhere...)

2- if you are pregnant and you ask my opinion. I'll still be really honest but probably way more edited.

3- if we are close friends I'll share my opinion even if I'm not asked

4- if we aren't good friends I'll probably just mock your choice behind your back.

So really if I tell you I hate your intended name its just like a Hallmark card saying how close I feel to you....

Anyway a couple thoughts about names...
1- Ok yea everyone says "oh it doesn't matter as long as you like it". No! That's wrong its not a paint color for your wall its your kid's NAME. You are saddling your kid with a name for the rest of his/her life. My opinion now is probably going to be the same as many other people's opinions later... and really what other people think DOES count. Chances are if you name your kid "Wolf" or "Danger" people will assume(unfairly but probably accurately) that your kid is a little sh*t.

2- opinions are just that. Just because I happen to hate aliteration when it comes to names...doesn't mean its a bad choice; it might just mean you have a crazy friend.

3- Preggos are crazy and what sounds good to them (ie pickles and ice) may not actually go together. So if your children's names sound like you are secretly forming your own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle group, I am probably going to mention that... :)
Sidenote- this is a true story, but the crisis (in my opinion, of course) was averted in this case and dearest friend chose a way better name that doesn't make me want to call her Master Splinter- I only tease her now because both her kids have pretty kick ass names

4- I am a firm believer in 'don't dish it if you can't take'. My child's name is CRAZY en vogue right now. I get it. She will be one of 8 with that name in her class. Lots of people told me this lots of time, but it's ok. A- I loved the name way before it became popular. B-I grew up never being able to find a sticker (magnet, mug etc) with my name and that made me sad. So I am sparing my child that particular pain. So I appreciate your opinions, I will take them under advisement, now why on earth are you naming your kid that name?

The birth board... oh my how I love thee. (Please see earlier post) So preggo birth boarders ALWAYS post their ideas for names and for some reason, as if just to tempt me, they have TERRIBLE choices. So I tell them. Totally unedited. Because heck they are strangers and I use up all my niceness on people I actually care about...

I really lucked out though because my closest friends have all, in the end, given their kids names that, even if I wouldn't make it my first choice, I actually really like and really seem to fit the particular kid and when it comes down to it "your kid is going to be too pretty for that name" really isn't a bad thing to say to anyone....

* The title is, of course, a joke. Please don't get in a tizzy- despite the fact that I seem to think I know everything, I don't actually know your kid's name and therefore can't compare it to my kid's name. (Although my kid's name is pretty kick a$s and probably IS better than your kid's)

Garage Sale-ing

So there really isn't too much you can do with a 1 year. Turns out people REALLY judge you when you bring your toddler into a strip club... Also how many "mommy and me" and "library story times" can one sane(questionable) person handle?? More on my loathing of "mommy and me" activities later...
Anyway

What started as a Craigslist hunt for cheap outdoor baby toys somehow violently morphed into a garage sale-ing obsession.

I wonder if garage sales are exclusively American? It seems like something we would do... let's put all of our trash that we painstakingly collected over the years but don't want anymore out on our front lawns for stangers to paw through and haggle over 50 cents just so that in 2 years or so those same strangers will turn around and sell the same thing to a new batch of hagglers... and who says we don't recycle??
For the record, my aunt is one of those people. She goes to garage sales haggles over the last penny and then the NEXT weekend sells the crap for a profit. Part of me thinks my cousin should start checking out some elder-care options for her but a larger part thinks "that is f-ing brilliant". She apparently makes a nice tidy little profit and I think she is addicted to the rush of both scamming the idiot seller who doesn't know the worth of his treasures AND the unsuspecting idiot purchaser who is overpaying for crap....

but I digress
So I live on a corner that will often have those bright neon garage sale signs planted on Thursday evenings. Speaking of which- why do Garage sales start on fridays?? DIGRESSION- This makes me think it is really intended for retirees and stay at homes since we get the head start. Actually it is quite the competition between those two groups because the head start is on the side of the retiree who wakes up at 3 am (on account of them having eaten dinner at 4 pm the previous day) so they are THERE ready to go in their cars waiting for the sale the start. However, the stay at homes have the athletic edge we wear our sneakers and our yoga pants and the physical rigors of child rearing have primed our bodies.

Back to me- so it started with re-routing our morning walks to pass by these sales. A couple of really really awesome purchases later I am totally hooked. I quickly spiraled from looking up the garage sales in the local paper to using Google © Maps to plot out my targets. I leave the house bright and early (gotta beat those retirees) armed with my plotted out map, a detailed city street map, and my baby.

The biggest high is when I go “off map”. (Sigh just typing that makes me realize how much of a loser I am…) Anyway going “off map” is, of course, when you are interrupted from your plotted out map because you see one of those neon garage sale beacons and you start driving hither and yon to go find it and THEN you get there and A) no one is there be/c their advertising strategy harkens back to the early 90s B) there is AMAZING stuff and since they are obviously still in the 90’s the crap is priced from that era! I get a tingle just writing about it...

I also really love haggling. There is something about saving 25 cents that just does it for me. I know its ridiculous but it really is just awesome.
And before you go calling that hoarding show- its not like I buy a bunch of stuff. I am actually really discerning about my purchases and usually only come home with 1 or 2 things.

So that’s my sad sad little tale of entertainment. Before you comment on how lame I am I’m going to beat you to the punch like a fat comedian. I am WELL AWARE this is ridiculous and lame. But hey don’t knock it til you try it…

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Catch-up

So I have a bunch of unedited pregnancy posts that have never been posted. That probably makes for a crappy Pregnancy Blog- so give that my daughter just passed her birthday I figure I'll go back and start publishing those posts.


The take-away is that if you are so inclined please go back periodically and see what's "new" (or rather old) sorry

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Babyproofing

Babyproofing is one of those words that you mention among parenting peers that always get that sympathetic nod of mutual understanding. Some people take the bull by the horns and babyproof their entire house at the dawning of the third trimester- I don't actually recommend this because that babyproof houdini toilet lock is a pregnant bladder's nememsis. Some people wait and buy all the babyproofing equipment after the first accident occurs which seems to defeat the purpose in my opinion. My husband and I fall into the thirs category 'do what you can when it seems necessary'. At the first sign of imminent crawling we went out and bought everything we could foreseeably need as our daughter gets more mobile. Things like baby gates and outlet covers were added right away. We also bought what I will call 'World's Best Thing Ever' a play yard. Not a play yard like a play pen no this is more like a kennel.



TIP- originally we bought ours at a well known baby speciality store but then I found it for 25 bucks cheaper in the pet section of our equally well known hardware store.

The brand is the name but one sold at the baby store featured a baby on the box whereas cheaper pet one showed a dog- eh when it comes down to it really what is the difference between a dog and a baby? We also bought such essentials like a stove guard and a fridge lock. Right now she is too short to reach either so those are packed away.

Now I am very fortunate in that I have the time to be able to follow my baby around and see what types of things need babyproofing. This is a full time job in and of itself. So I go around seeing all the drawers, cabinets and doors she can open and I put little yellow post-its on them- both as a reminder for me as well as a 'to do' for my husband. Genius me apparently could not predict that Ava would be even more attracted to the drawers, cabinets and doors now that there are bright yellow post-its on them. Now I have a baby covered in post-its and no convenient 'to do' markers for my husband.

Baby proofing fail.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

I can't be the only one...

who thinks its weird to take pictures of your food and then post it on the internet, right? It seems everytime I manage to escape my warden.. errr precious precious child and actually go out to eat someone around me is taking pictures of their food! I just don't get it- seriously I don't care how yummy your food is or how picturesque it looks... its just weird.

But since EVERYONE is doing it- like one of my dearest friends see blog- http://thefoodlife-bykaty.tumblr.com/ Ok now 1- She is actually cooking this stuff not just ordering from a restaurant and taking pictures 2- she takes really good pictures. But I digress...

so since everyone is raving about this new thing to do, I am going to put on the Emperor's New Clothes and try it.


OHHHHH Macaroni and Cheese homemade with spinach OOHHHH



Ok actually this one is really good- its fake crabmeat, grapes and French dressing... sounds gross, but surprisingly delicious! AND you gotta admit that picture is pretty darn good.

hmmm I don't really feel any change now that I've shared my gastro-adventures with you