Things People forget to Mention about Pregnancy 1st edition

This section reminds of when I got a puppy when I was ten... I read all the books about the whimpering, accidents, and total destruction of everything within the dogs reach... but I NEVER EVER read about the fact that puppies NIP (or to the uninformed unaware 10 year.. BITE) I distinctly remember telling my mom that I didn't want the puppy anymore because she was mean and my mom patiently (albeit a little late) explained that puppies nip... I also remember thinking WHY DOESNT ANYONE SAY THIS IN THE BOOKS.... well pregnancy is very similar to that first puppy experience... except I'm the one having the accidents and chewing on everything in sight..


1- Ok I knew morning sickness could strike at anytime, but no one ever tells you that you will never get relief. I naively thought that just like any vomiting once you do it you get relief... nope

2- You will vomit regardless of having nothing in your stomach. This has led to some interesting discoveries (please see "My Favorite Things.. to vomit" post)

3-I am not going to get too detailed here (please see "This isn't like college" post) but vomiting is intensly more violent when you are pregnant .

4-It is not uncommon to pee when you puke... yep because being head first into a toilet is not degrading enough.

5-That glow? Its oil and sweat because you have magically transformed into a 15 year old boy.

6- You will cease to be able to function. Not only are you puking and exhausted from puking, but for some ungodly reason your entire body feels as though you just ran a marathon and then stayed up all night partying with Mick Jagger. (But of course without the fun...)

7- You know that adorable baby bump you were looking forward to sporting like a celeb splashed all over the cover of People... yea at first you just look fat. Your body just begins to thicken and pudge up in that I've eaten too many Big Macs way. This happens usually before you tell anyone about the baby, so if you are like me you feel a little judged after you publicly lust after that box of donuts..

8- So I knew my boobs would get sore. Ok I can deal with it but haha jokes on me because I DID NOT read that they would get HUGE AND PORN STAR ROUND. Which means I have to constantly fend off handsy husband. Now he is very very sensitive to my discomfort but his brain seems block out my repeated "DON'T TOUCH!" warnings. Next pregnancy I am getting a fly- swatter.

my next bathroom is going to have a bed...

I have always wondered about people who have all those little carpets in their bathroom... seriously wear slippers and the floor wont be cold. I never understood it until about a week ago when the morning sickness hit full speed. I suspect I have spent more time laying on the floor weeping after alternating puking my internals out and piddling myself. So I decided that before my next pregnancy I am going to remodel my bathroom so its large enough for a bed or at least one of those French Setee you see in costume dramas and nice restaurant bathrooms...
So pregnancy has enlightened me on yet another of life's greatest mysteries and I can check carpet in bathrooms off my list, but now why the heck are there phones in there? No one wants to talk to you while you do ANYTHING in there. hmmmm

I am a rockstar... the day after the concert

Apparently 6 weeks and 4 hours is not enough time to declare your body's awesomeness. The morning sickness has arrived.... I feel like I have a hangover from hell.
I am not even going to type anymore because I am fairly certain the motion of my hands hitting the keys is making me sick again....

I am a rockstar

I heard that morning sickness kicks in by 6 weeks. Well I am six weeks and 4 fours and I feel fine. I of course have strong aversions and desires towards certain food. Fried Chicken- YES Eggs- no thanks.. but nothing has sent me running to the bathroom. I am rocking this pregnancy. I feel good other than being a little more tired. I have occasional dizziness but nothing like what I read it could be. Clearly my body is just awesome at pregnancy.



*This has been written in hindsight- I am not really this arrogant- please see next post.

What the hell is that smell?!

Growing up I always fantasized about having various super powers. When I was really little I wanted to fly mostly because my older brother and sister found it hilarious to hold stuff way over my head so I couldn't reach it. During my shy and timid years I often wanted to be invisible so people wouldn't notice me- I obviously grew out of this rather quickly to become the attention whore I am now. While reading King Midas and the Golden touch I desperately wanted to be able to turn what I touch into gold- I came to my senses at the end of the book after he turns his daughter into gold. Super strength, super speed, I could imagine all sorts of fantastic things I could do if only I had these powers. I never knew that becoming pregnant would grant me a superhuman ability to smell. *
I heard that preggos had sensitive noses, but my god I feel like a freaking bloodhound. If this law degree thing doesn't work out perhaps I could explore a career sniffing people for airport security. (I suspect I would be more effective at sniffing out contraband sausage and cheese than drugs and bombs since I have no idea what a bomb smells like, but thats part of a learning curve). Not to mention the cases of missing people me and my fantastic olifactory sense could solve... the possibilities are endless
Like the superheros in the comic books I too suffer because of my abilities. The downside of my newfound superpower is that people smell.. bad or just too much. Smoke is my kryptonite.. a strongly perfumed woman is my personal Green Goblin. (Being a girl who never read comics I am now out of comic book references) The biggest problem is unlike superman who just loses his strength in the face of his kryptonite I actually get physically sick from mine. The simple act of photocoping the papers of a client who smoked while filling them out is enough to send me headfirst into the toilet... this is considerably inconvenient as no one in my office is yet aware of my present condition...

*To be fair, some people reading this might say that I always had a good nose- I could smell a fresh pizza delivery from 100 yards away sometimes even being able to identify where the pizza was from. To put it in perspective for those of you- now I could probably identify the different toppings...