The Awesome Power of Rod Stewart

I should confess that I love awesome 80's 90s ballads with an almost unhealthy enthusiasm.. . there is no lyric safe from my tone deaf butchery no iconic dance move that has not been reinterpreted by my jerky uncoordinated limbs (currently I have a little Footloose action going on under the desk) Of course, some of these songs have become more meaningful depending on my life situation at the moment... what newly single girl has not felt a connection to Celine Dion's "All By Myself"?? I was, however, entirely unprepared for the special emotions Rod Stewart could elicit.. I am sure it could be chalked up to the surging rush of pregnancy hormones that my body is producing every second, but really is there a more beautiful tear-jerking song than Forever Young? I always liked it. So when I heard the first few notes while shopping at Michaels I was delighted. However, the moment Rod's velvety voice began singing the prayers of every parent for their child ..."may you grow to be proud dignified and true" I lost it.. not just tearing up demurely because I'm in public.. no I mean like I just won an Oscar type of emotion... By the time the magical songster told my fetus that whatever road he/she chooses I will be right behind them I was on my hands and knees sobbing...let me remind you that I was in Michaels in public at this point... Of course, this draws attention. Much to my extreme embarassment, and frankly relief in the kindness of humanity, a couple people came rushing over to find out why this woman is on all fours crying. Luckily, they must have all had experience with a pregnant woman because "I'm pregnant and I love this song" was all the explanation that was needed. I got up, gathered my basket of scrapbooking supplies and what was left of my dignity and calmly checked out, knowing, of course, that I could never return to Michaels again.

This isn't like college! TMI warning....

Warning the squeamish SHOULD NOT read this as it details the joys of pregnancy vomiting...


Now I did my fair share of vomiting during college... not as much as most of the people I know.. but I occasionally paid homage to the porcelain god (or wooden picnic bench) anyway.. throwing up in college was something a 22 year old was built for.. you drink too much peppermint schnapps and chocolate sauce.. you dance too much you vomit you fall asleep you wake up relatively fine (so long as everyone is very quiet and you have a nice big pair of sunglasses) So despite it being years since I last threw up from over indulging, vomiting was nothing I feared.. HAHAHA! (I am actually not laughing because its really not funny..yet) Pregnancy vomiting is a whole different beast- this sometime I hope every non preggo reads carefully.

PREGNANCY VOMITING IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT BEAST.

First of all, its not from drinking (DUH)- its from waking up, or standing up, or sitting down too fast or bending over or eating or smelling.. basically nothing fun. Vomiting without the fun of the previous over indulgence just seems sort of unfair like being punished for a crime you didn't commit. (As my husband would naughtily mention it was for something fun I did, but I currently despise him)

Second it is a whole body experience. I once went to a kickboxing class (it kicked my ass, I fell a couple times, was sore for days after and never went back) pregnancy vomiting uses more muscles than that kickboxing class and I didnt cry after kickboxing (well just a little but thats besides the point) I wish I had the literary finesse to adequately describe the violent earth shattering experience that seems to resonate from the bottom of your toes and move up through your body shaking every muscle in his path until it erupts from your mouth leaving you a shivering pile of ruined flesh.

Three, you piss yourself like a drunk on the subway. I was not prepared for as the vomiting is occuring to lose all control of my bladder and piddle myself.

Four, you know that relief you feel when you do upchuck from indulging in too much? yea, where is that? I feel just as rotten and sick to my stomach after vomiting that I did before. Now that is just unfair

Five, you DO get more warning. Ok this is a point for preggo vomiting. You know its going to happen (mostly because it happens every freaking minute) so you are able to get to bathroom on time. I remember no such warning in college.




I wish I could bottle this feeling and sell it to every teenager- I swear the number of teen preg would plumment if they knew they would pee themselves.

Things People forget to Mention about Pregnancy 1st edition

This section reminds of when I got a puppy when I was ten... I read all the books about the whimpering, accidents, and total destruction of everything within the dogs reach... but I NEVER EVER read about the fact that puppies NIP (or to the uninformed unaware 10 year.. BITE) I distinctly remember telling my mom that I didn't want the puppy anymore because she was mean and my mom patiently (albeit a little late) explained that puppies nip... I also remember thinking WHY DOESNT ANYONE SAY THIS IN THE BOOKS.... well pregnancy is very similar to that first puppy experience... except I'm the one having the accidents and chewing on everything in sight..


1- Ok I knew morning sickness could strike at anytime, but no one ever tells you that you will never get relief. I naively thought that just like any vomiting once you do it you get relief... nope

2- You will vomit regardless of having nothing in your stomach. This has led to some interesting discoveries (please see "My Favorite Things.. to vomit" post)

3-I am not going to get too detailed here (please see "This isn't like college" post) but vomiting is intensly more violent when you are pregnant .

4-It is not uncommon to pee when you puke... yep because being head first into a toilet is not degrading enough.

5-That glow? Its oil and sweat because you have magically transformed into a 15 year old boy.

6- You will cease to be able to function. Not only are you puking and exhausted from puking, but for some ungodly reason your entire body feels as though you just ran a marathon and then stayed up all night partying with Mick Jagger. (But of course without the fun...)

7- You know that adorable baby bump you were looking forward to sporting like a celeb splashed all over the cover of People... yea at first you just look fat. Your body just begins to thicken and pudge up in that I've eaten too many Big Macs way. This happens usually before you tell anyone about the baby, so if you are like me you feel a little judged after you publicly lust after that box of donuts..

8- So I knew my boobs would get sore. Ok I can deal with it but haha jokes on me because I DID NOT read that they would get HUGE AND PORN STAR ROUND. Which means I have to constantly fend off handsy husband. Now he is very very sensitive to my discomfort but his brain seems block out my repeated "DON'T TOUCH!" warnings. Next pregnancy I am getting a fly- swatter.

my next bathroom is going to have a bed...

I have always wondered about people who have all those little carpets in their bathroom... seriously wear slippers and the floor wont be cold. I never understood it until about a week ago when the morning sickness hit full speed. I suspect I have spent more time laying on the floor weeping after alternating puking my internals out and piddling myself. So I decided that before my next pregnancy I am going to remodel my bathroom so its large enough for a bed or at least one of those French Setee you see in costume dramas and nice restaurant bathrooms...
So pregnancy has enlightened me on yet another of life's greatest mysteries and I can check carpet in bathrooms off my list, but now why the heck are there phones in there? No one wants to talk to you while you do ANYTHING in there. hmmmm

I am a rockstar... the day after the concert

Apparently 6 weeks and 4 hours is not enough time to declare your body's awesomeness. The morning sickness has arrived.... I feel like I have a hangover from hell.
I am not even going to type anymore because I am fairly certain the motion of my hands hitting the keys is making me sick again....