Bowl Full of Jelly

Now that I am not puking my internals out and I have a deliciously round belly I am actually enjoying being pregnant- I am a delightful preggo. I heard the worst part of pregnancy is the third trimester and after my first I was TERRIFIED. but I gotta say I am freaking ROCKING this trimester as in I made it my bi*ch.

So in a rare moment of positive posting (don't get used to it) I am going to gush about the things I love about the 3rd trimester.

First, of all my belly moves. This might totally freak some people out, but it sort of makes me feel all powerful. I was able to totally send my nephew screaming from the room just by showing him my mishappen tummy move. I swear my darling fetus shares my unnatural love for 80's music and happily does a little fetus dance everytime Footloose blasts.


My husband is extra fabulous. I try not to gush about the hubby, because really who wants to read about that, but I think he is starting to really get it. Apparently that whole heartbeat/ ultrasound thing didn't really convince him. Now that our fetus has a personality its like he feels closer to it. He has been reading Harry Potter to the bump for a couple weeks now and its gotten to the point where he says in a very distinct and special voice "and NOW are you READY for HARRY POTTER?" and we can actually see baby move and kick and almost seem to settle down eager to hear him read.

I am pretty cranky person in general, but when you are this big people just assume you are going to eat them or something so they are EXTRA nice to you. People just get out of my way like I'm the freaking Queen of Sheba (in case you haven't noticed I like attention and power :)

I feel great, which makes no sense because I am huge. Not only does EVERYTHING taste wonderful, but my skin looks great and I have no signs of swelling. (I know brag brag brag, but after that 1st trimester I am owed a little bragging!)

I can eat whatever I want with no judgment. 2 big macs and a large strawberry shake that I dip my fries into... ohh yea because of course Im obviously pregnant. Forget for a moment that I TOTALLY ate that before...) Another slice of cake... yes please!

Expectant mom parking. Ok I actually don't use this because I feel I should save it for moms that are feeling all yucky, but I just love that it exists and wanted to give it a yay! shout-out.

Ok all that talk about big macs and milkshakes made me hungry....

Please Excuse me while I Scratch...

While I have long sung the praises of maternity pants, I have discovered one unfortunate downside- they happen to exponentially increase the itchiness of the rapidly expanding belly. Now for those who have not experienced experiences the miracle that is tummy expansion, evidently being stretched like taffy makes your belly VERY VERY itchy. And no despite all their claims skin creams DO NOTHING except make you smell like a coconut scratch and sniff sticker. In the privacy of my home I am free to scratch with wild abandon.. (think rabid dog with fleas) however, I recall my mom telling my brother "it is rude to scratch in public". Add to this plight the itchy material of maternity pants and you are basically in hell.
At work I really can't stop myself and frankly its starting to get weird... not only does maternity pants make you itchier but the sheer design that I once loved and praised so exuberantly now has made discreet itching a mere dream. Now I have to lift up the maternity shirts and pull down the maternity pant panel and then oh sweet sweet relief. Unfortunately I have some sort of crossed wires in my mind that cause me to close my eyes while scratching my tummy (and no I can't pat my head while scratching the tummy)
But it has occurred to me that there is a distinct possibility of my coworkers walking past my desk seeing me leaning back belly exposed in its full pale grotesquely rounded glory calmly scratching away with my eyes closed.... yea sort of like the gorillas you see at the zoo... well hopefully they are just grateful that I am not throwing feces at them...

A little entertainment..

As this pregnancy progresses I realize I have to get my entertainment in less traditional ways. Gone are the days when I could drink tequila and ride a mechanical bull (Ok perhaps I never did that, but now 7 months pregnant I am kind of sorry I didnt!)  Unfortunately the highlight of my weekend is usually donning a pair of freshly washed pjs, gobbling a sundae and watching my tummy move to the beat of 'Footloose'.  

I have, however, discovered a truly delightful form of entertainment available only to the large bellied preggos out there.  Food shopping... well food shopping with a twist.  I inadvertantly discovered this game while picking up a missing dinner ingredient (sour cream) and also indulging a last minute craving (cheetos)   When a preggo puts sour cream and cheetos on the checkout counter it becomes very obvious that the cashier ASSUMES you are going to eat the two items together... I call this :the pickles and ice cream assumption".

 

So far my favorite combination to purchase has been Mayo and grapes. The cashier actually looked at my tummy at the items back to the tummy and then at me with her eyebrows raised and a delightful chuckle.

 although fish sticks and vanilla frosting was a close runner up. (No chuckle)

 

this only works with less than 3 items... 2 is ideal but anything more than 3 completely loses the effect because then its just regular food shopping. But for those preggos who are looking for a little pregnancy only fun- I HIGHLY recommend it.


Sidenote- fish sticks IN vanilla frosting has actually proven to be delicious... I can not say the same for the grapes and mayo- that one was a little disappointing.

The Birth Board

If you don't have children (either already cooked or still in the oven) or have many friends that have babies.. this term "birth board" is completely foreign and probably conjures some odd images. As one friend said "is that something you use for labor?" If you would like to stay blissfully ignorant please feel free to skip, but if you are feeling brave or just dangerously curious read on

Birth Board is a online community message board that one joins for information or support. It can be divided into "birth month", certain complications, or certain situations. That's the technical definition.. what it really is is a place for absolutely bat sh*t crazy preggos to go infect other preggos with their insane anxieties, spread their ridiculous parenting choices, and subject everyone else to mindless information about their "miracle".... (sort of like what this blog is...hmmm oh well)
Now if you are unfamiliar with a birth board you are probably thinking "my my that's pretty harsh" no in truth its really quite kind and restrained.

Anyway against all better judgment I joined a "June 2011" birth board. At first I only used it for informational purposes like posts regarding certain "must haves" and "first time mom tips" but slowly I got sucked into vortex of insanity and drama.. it felt like a bad reality show where I could actually tell the characters that they are crazy. Now I am slightly opinionated and it just so happens that birth boarders (yes thats what they shall be called) are needy and desperate for outside validation from complete and total strangers especially it seems on the choice of their child's name. Now don't get me wrong I have floated name choices past friends and family, but they are good name choices. When someone wanted to name their child after a type of fabric or a spare car part and then asks what people think.. in the legal world that's called assumption of the risk (sort of) My issues with bad names is for another post.. But basically I quickly discovered a couple previously unknown things about preggos
1- We like to do things are way.. not just in the way everyone like to do their own thing.. but in that scary mother lion "I will rip your head off if you question me way"
2- Some of these women have hormone levels that would rival most high schools (not high school students individually- the collective total hormone levels of the student body). Anyone who has had the pleasure of dealing with a pregnant woman knows I do not exaggerate.
3- We like to judge others...while this is certainly a human trait something about points 1 and 2 make for a lethal combination...I suspect its the need to validate our own choices by vehemently disregarding any other option and then brutally judging the other person
4- Preggos are sort of lonely.. I don't mean this in a sad woe is me way, but there is something happening to a pregnant woman that really only a similarly situated preggo can understand. My wonderful friends indulge all my endless complaints and random 'who really cares but me' musings with the most compassion, patience and excitement I could ever dream of and I am eternally grateful for them, but at the end of the day all of these "issues" are happening to me. No one else is experiencing exactly what I am at that moment. Somehow talking to a preggo who is in the same week as you makes it all little less lonely (and less scary)... chances are we are both experiencing movement for the first time, or the same "what the heck was that" ache. Now its great, really really great, to have friends who have been there already who can say "oh I remember that.. it goes away" that light at the end of the tunnel is INVALUABLE, but the day to day bitching about the complaint du jour is also nice.
5- some preggos are on bedrest- this makes for PROLIFIC and sometimes completely random posts... hey I get it.. sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night wondering what pacifier is better, but I sure as hell don't hop up to blog about it....

6-Its anonymous.. back in the day when you had to comment to people face to face you were forced to be civil. When you discussed personal issues with someone you see often you used discretion and tact... well that's all shot to hell in age of faceless computer posting.

The combination of these 6 realities create a tempest of epic portions known as the birth board

The Awesome Power of Rod Stewart

I should confess that I love awesome 80's 90s ballads with an almost unhealthy enthusiasm.. . there is no lyric safe from my tone deaf butchery no iconic dance move that has not been reinterpreted by my jerky uncoordinated limbs (currently I have a little Footloose action going on under the desk) Of course, some of these songs have become more meaningful depending on my life situation at the moment... what newly single girl has not felt a connection to Celine Dion's "All By Myself"?? I was, however, entirely unprepared for the special emotions Rod Stewart could elicit.. I am sure it could be chalked up to the surging rush of pregnancy hormones that my body is producing every second, but really is there a more beautiful tear-jerking song than Forever Young? I always liked it. So when I heard the first few notes while shopping at Michaels I was delighted. However, the moment Rod's velvety voice began singing the prayers of every parent for their child ..."may you grow to be proud dignified and true" I lost it.. not just tearing up demurely because I'm in public.. no I mean like I just won an Oscar type of emotion... By the time the magical songster told my fetus that whatever road he/she chooses I will be right behind them I was on my hands and knees sobbing...let me remind you that I was in Michaels in public at this point... Of course, this draws attention. Much to my extreme embarassment, and frankly relief in the kindness of humanity, a couple people came rushing over to find out why this woman is on all fours crying. Luckily, they must have all had experience with a pregnant woman because "I'm pregnant and I love this song" was all the explanation that was needed. I got up, gathered my basket of scrapbooking supplies and what was left of my dignity and calmly checked out, knowing, of course, that I could never return to Michaels again.