The Wide Hip Curse or All in God's Plan

So I have a theory, but I need to back up a little.

As soon as I saw that fuzzy 2nd line on the pregnancy test I knew it would be awhile before I could fit into some of my favorite clothes again... like 10 months, right? I mean I'm young- my body will just snap back in place like one of those Stretch Armstrong toys. (Forget that I have the exact same muscle tone as it too) So I lovingly and with the early pregnancy excitement that I wish I could go back and just smack off my face pack up these clothes.

Ahh these clothes- the symbols of my youth. As my fingers carefully fold the glittery leopard print pants and sadly yes ,matching halter (no, I didn't wear them together at least not all the time) I recollect fondly on the memories they evoke. In every day, I am actually a fairly conservative dresser (thank you Catholic nun led schooling for pounding into me that the flesh is evil and dirty) but when I would go out to bars or parties I let loose a little- ya know, take the sisters out for a night on the town.

Well needless to say I was slightly over optimistic when I thought I would return to prepregnancy me a month after birth. And, of course, by 'slightly' I mean 'REALLY'.
But now, 13 months later I am finally back to my college weight which is good because I had gained quite a bit of weight during law school- I blame their Final Exam Candy Bowls of Evil. Anyway, so after months of carefully watching what I eat and diligently exercising I’ve shed the weight. Haha, I couldn't even write that without laughing- no I don't have time to eat anything but the scraps off my daughter's plate (and she eats like a Viking) and then I spend the rest of the day chasing her giggling butt around while trying to keep her from drawing on the dog, but I digress.

So WAHOO. I'm college weight right so I'm going to drag out all those memories and put them on just to remind myself how hot and sexy I used to be... alright! I pull out my favorite pants ever... black faux leather low rise. If you knew me in college you will remember these. I wore them ALL THE TIME. I skanked them up with a halter and blue eyeliner for the bars and I dressed them down with a sweater for class. (just writing that makes me shake my head in shame) I rip off my awesome eeyore sweats (college AND law school friends will also remember these) and slip them on. Wait, they seem to be stuck on something...namely my hips. I can't pull them up. This makes no sense. I am the same weight that I was the last time I wore these! NOTHING HAS CHANGED!! Then in the distance (and thanks to baby monitor, in the closeness too) a baby cries. Sighing, I yank them down to attend to baby and begin to ponder this.

So here's the theory....chances are very very high that had I fit into those pants this morning I would have worn them to storytime at the library, and the grocery store, and the park (I bet the plastic-y faux leather would have been AWESOME going down the slide) Given this unavoidable temptation- I think my pants magically not fitting is all God's way of saying "mothers don't wear faux leather pants that show their thongs" The new bulges on my hips are nature's literal speed bumps designed to say " whoa mom, let's rethink those jeans that lace up the side." God, in his infinite wisdom, has created a very effective way of making sure the keepers of civilization, the molders of humanity, the bearers of the next generation don't go around showing off their tits and asses. How can we be models of everything that is right with the human race if we are showing whale tale?

Now, some mothers have worked around this natural way of things by going out and buying their prepreg, party clothes but in the NEXT size up. This is simply laughing in the face of God and they will be smited and punished probably by ending up on People of Walmart.com like this..
There are also mothers who 6 weeks postpartum just slide right back into those rhinestone capris without any difficulty or mysterious bulges... those women are freaks of nature. Sorry, but it’s true. By being able to wear all those un-mom clothes they are clearly going against God's plan and frankly, probably sold their souls in order to do it.


* This is not to say that mothers should not be sexy or dress fun, but there needs to be a new sexy, a new fun... Tigger instead of Eeyore or something...