The Awesome Power of Rod Stewart

I should confess that I love awesome 80's 90s ballads with an almost unhealthy enthusiasm.. . there is no lyric safe from my tone deaf butchery no iconic dance move that has not been reinterpreted by my jerky uncoordinated limbs (currently I have a little Footloose action going on under the desk) Of course, some of these songs have become more meaningful depending on my life situation at the moment... what newly single girl has not felt a connection to Celine Dion's "All By Myself"?? I was, however, entirely unprepared for the special emotions Rod Stewart could elicit.. I am sure it could be chalked up to the surging rush of pregnancy hormones that my body is producing every second, but really is there a more beautiful tear-jerking song than Forever Young? I always liked it. So when I heard the first few notes while shopping at Michaels I was delighted. However, the moment Rod's velvety voice began singing the prayers of every parent for their child ..."may you grow to be proud dignified and true" I lost it.. not just tearing up demurely because I'm in public.. no I mean like I just won an Oscar type of emotion... By the time the magical songster told my fetus that whatever road he/she chooses I will be right behind them I was on my hands and knees sobbing...let me remind you that I was in Michaels in public at this point... Of course, this draws attention. Much to my extreme embarassment, and frankly relief in the kindness of humanity, a couple people came rushing over to find out why this woman is on all fours crying. Luckily, they must have all had experience with a pregnant woman because "I'm pregnant and I love this song" was all the explanation that was needed. I got up, gathered my basket of scrapbooking supplies and what was left of my dignity and calmly checked out, knowing, of course, that I could never return to Michaels again.

This isn't like college! TMI warning....

Warning the squeamish SHOULD NOT read this as it details the joys of pregnancy vomiting...


Now I did my fair share of vomiting during college... not as much as most of the people I know.. but I occasionally paid homage to the porcelain god (or wooden picnic bench) anyway.. throwing up in college was something a 22 year old was built for.. you drink too much peppermint schnapps and chocolate sauce.. you dance too much you vomit you fall asleep you wake up relatively fine (so long as everyone is very quiet and you have a nice big pair of sunglasses) So despite it being years since I last threw up from over indulging, vomiting was nothing I feared.. HAHAHA! (I am actually not laughing because its really not funny..yet) Pregnancy vomiting is a whole different beast- this sometime I hope every non preggo reads carefully.

PREGNANCY VOMITING IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT BEAST.

First of all, its not from drinking (DUH)- its from waking up, or standing up, or sitting down too fast or bending over or eating or smelling.. basically nothing fun. Vomiting without the fun of the previous over indulgence just seems sort of unfair like being punished for a crime you didn't commit. (As my husband would naughtily mention it was for something fun I did, but I currently despise him)

Second it is a whole body experience. I once went to a kickboxing class (it kicked my ass, I fell a couple times, was sore for days after and never went back) pregnancy vomiting uses more muscles than that kickboxing class and I didnt cry after kickboxing (well just a little but thats besides the point) I wish I had the literary finesse to adequately describe the violent earth shattering experience that seems to resonate from the bottom of your toes and move up through your body shaking every muscle in his path until it erupts from your mouth leaving you a shivering pile of ruined flesh.

Three, you piss yourself like a drunk on the subway. I was not prepared for as the vomiting is occuring to lose all control of my bladder and piddle myself.

Four, you know that relief you feel when you do upchuck from indulging in too much? yea, where is that? I feel just as rotten and sick to my stomach after vomiting that I did before. Now that is just unfair

Five, you DO get more warning. Ok this is a point for preggo vomiting. You know its going to happen (mostly because it happens every freaking minute) so you are able to get to bathroom on time. I remember no such warning in college.




I wish I could bottle this feeling and sell it to every teenager- I swear the number of teen preg would plumment if they knew they would pee themselves.

Things People forget to Mention about Pregnancy 1st edition

This section reminds of when I got a puppy when I was ten... I read all the books about the whimpering, accidents, and total destruction of everything within the dogs reach... but I NEVER EVER read about the fact that puppies NIP (or to the uninformed unaware 10 year.. BITE) I distinctly remember telling my mom that I didn't want the puppy anymore because she was mean and my mom patiently (albeit a little late) explained that puppies nip... I also remember thinking WHY DOESNT ANYONE SAY THIS IN THE BOOKS.... well pregnancy is very similar to that first puppy experience... except I'm the one having the accidents and chewing on everything in sight..


1- Ok I knew morning sickness could strike at anytime, but no one ever tells you that you will never get relief. I naively thought that just like any vomiting once you do it you get relief... nope

2- You will vomit regardless of having nothing in your stomach. This has led to some interesting discoveries (please see "My Favorite Things.. to vomit" post)

3-I am not going to get too detailed here (please see "This isn't like college" post) but vomiting is intensly more violent when you are pregnant .

4-It is not uncommon to pee when you puke... yep because being head first into a toilet is not degrading enough.

5-That glow? Its oil and sweat because you have magically transformed into a 15 year old boy.

6- You will cease to be able to function. Not only are you puking and exhausted from puking, but for some ungodly reason your entire body feels as though you just ran a marathon and then stayed up all night partying with Mick Jagger. (But of course without the fun...)

7- You know that adorable baby bump you were looking forward to sporting like a celeb splashed all over the cover of People... yea at first you just look fat. Your body just begins to thicken and pudge up in that I've eaten too many Big Macs way. This happens usually before you tell anyone about the baby, so if you are like me you feel a little judged after you publicly lust after that box of donuts..

8- So I knew my boobs would get sore. Ok I can deal with it but haha jokes on me because I DID NOT read that they would get HUGE AND PORN STAR ROUND. Which means I have to constantly fend off handsy husband. Now he is very very sensitive to my discomfort but his brain seems block out my repeated "DON'T TOUCH!" warnings. Next pregnancy I am getting a fly- swatter.

my next bathroom is going to have a bed...

I have always wondered about people who have all those little carpets in their bathroom... seriously wear slippers and the floor wont be cold. I never understood it until about a week ago when the morning sickness hit full speed. I suspect I have spent more time laying on the floor weeping after alternating puking my internals out and piddling myself. So I decided that before my next pregnancy I am going to remodel my bathroom so its large enough for a bed or at least one of those French Setee you see in costume dramas and nice restaurant bathrooms...
So pregnancy has enlightened me on yet another of life's greatest mysteries and I can check carpet in bathrooms off my list, but now why the heck are there phones in there? No one wants to talk to you while you do ANYTHING in there. hmmmm

I am a rockstar... the day after the concert

Apparently 6 weeks and 4 hours is not enough time to declare your body's awesomeness. The morning sickness has arrived.... I feel like I have a hangover from hell.
I am not even going to type anymore because I am fairly certain the motion of my hands hitting the keys is making me sick again....

I am a rockstar

I heard that morning sickness kicks in by 6 weeks. Well I am six weeks and 4 fours and I feel fine. I of course have strong aversions and desires towards certain food. Fried Chicken- YES Eggs- no thanks.. but nothing has sent me running to the bathroom. I am rocking this pregnancy. I feel good other than being a little more tired. I have occasional dizziness but nothing like what I read it could be. Clearly my body is just awesome at pregnancy.



*This has been written in hindsight- I am not really this arrogant- please see next post.

What the hell is that smell?!

Growing up I always fantasized about having various super powers. When I was really little I wanted to fly mostly because my older brother and sister found it hilarious to hold stuff way over my head so I couldn't reach it. During my shy and timid years I often wanted to be invisible so people wouldn't notice me- I obviously grew out of this rather quickly to become the attention whore I am now. While reading King Midas and the Golden touch I desperately wanted to be able to turn what I touch into gold- I came to my senses at the end of the book after he turns his daughter into gold. Super strength, super speed, I could imagine all sorts of fantastic things I could do if only I had these powers. I never knew that becoming pregnant would grant me a superhuman ability to smell. *
I heard that preggos had sensitive noses, but my god I feel like a freaking bloodhound. If this law degree thing doesn't work out perhaps I could explore a career sniffing people for airport security. (I suspect I would be more effective at sniffing out contraband sausage and cheese than drugs and bombs since I have no idea what a bomb smells like, but thats part of a learning curve). Not to mention the cases of missing people me and my fantastic olifactory sense could solve... the possibilities are endless
Like the superheros in the comic books I too suffer because of my abilities. The downside of my newfound superpower is that people smell.. bad or just too much. Smoke is my kryptonite.. a strongly perfumed woman is my personal Green Goblin. (Being a girl who never read comics I am now out of comic book references) The biggest problem is unlike superman who just loses his strength in the face of his kryptonite I actually get physically sick from mine. The simple act of photocoping the papers of a client who smoked while filling them out is enough to send me headfirst into the toilet... this is considerably inconvenient as no one in my office is yet aware of my present condition...

*To be fair, some people reading this might say that I always had a good nose- I could smell a fresh pizza delivery from 100 yards away sometimes even being able to identify where the pizza was from. To put it in perspective for those of you- now I could probably identify the different toppings...

Pass the soup...

I never understood soup-eaters... you know, those people who eat soup as a meal very often with a salad.. Soup and salad is not a meal.. soup OR salad followed by something with meat concluded with something covered in fudge is meal. For as long as I can remember when I would complain about being hungry my mom would tell me to crack open a can of soup (this probably has more to do with neglectful parenting since I was like 5 when she first starting saying this)
Anyway given this adversion to soup you can understand my confusion when suddenly ALL I wanted to eat was soup.. preferably tomato soup with garlic bread. (It should be noted that I hate tomato soup.. I don't understand it.. no meat no grains its basically just tomato juice heated up- when I see tomato soup I want to let it cool down throw a couple of celery sticks in and a splash of vodka.. but I digress) At this point I had not yet peed successfully so was still completely in the dark regarding my pregancy. apparently the fact that I was several days late AND was now craving a soup that I had formerly regarded as an abomination did not clue me in to my impending motherhood.
Finally, a couple days after nonstop eating of tomato soup I finally tested positive... OH THAT'S WHY I HAVE BEEN EATING HOT VIRGIN BLOODY MARYS!!! So of course my beaming and dutiful husband runs out to the store and stocks up on enough tomato soup to make campbell's soup stock rise- it was that same day that my craving changed to rice and milk and my former adversion to tomato soup (and all soup eating in general) returned. I suspect that in 9 months we will still have a stockpile of tomato soup pushed to the back of the cabinet and covered in dust.

SUCCESS! no for real

SPOILER ALERT- I am sorry if the title of the post takes some of the mystery out of the next test taking post, but honestly, comeon you know you are reading a blog about someone being pregnant... you knew the test was going to be positive at some point, so you can't be surprised..

At this point my "like clockwork- you could set Big Ben by it-" period was 9 days late. I had never ever been 9 days late before. We were fairly certain I was in fact pregnant, but neither of us could admit that fact without the positive pregnancy test- we couldn't even wonder it together. It was, without getting too poetic, as if the possibility of a pregnancy was soo fragile anything even a whisper of it could ruin it and bring on my period like Niagara. However, we decided to take another test, because apparently when you are 9 days late and have had murky results (at best) thats what you do. Only this time we were serious. No more game playing... we went digital. I wasn't about to try to decipher another rogue dot on a pregnancy test... hell if we could have purchased a test that actually spoke the result outloud we would have bought that.
So expensive digital test in hand we went home, went to bed anxiously awaiting the morning pee.

5 minutes after possibly the most skillful peeing I have ever done, we walked to the bathroom and there is was clear as day.."Pregnant" I of course held it up at various angles to see if the "not" would show up in front of the "pregnant" but no it appears that I was pregnant. I would like to be able to recount a lovely story about how we kissed and my husband looked at me and said "I hope we have a daughter just like you".... no rather it was oddly silent moment. I vaguely recall a kiss on the forehead (my mouth was probably still open like a codfish) and him mumbling about going to work. We were obviously in shock. I have no idea what I did that day. I think I watched a Law and Order marathon.

SUCCESS?

Well like everything else in life practice makes perfect... pee tests are no exception. Although I will admit after an embarrassing number of attempts to pee in the exact right location on really the tiniest target in the world I switched to the cup with an eye dropper...
ok so despite the promise of results "5 days before your missed period" I had only gotten negative or just completely wacky results, but now my period was 12 hours late...SURELY a test would work NOW. No once again modern science had disappointed me. The test was negative. My husband assured me that it was too soon to be disappointed, but the truth was we both were very disappointed.. after all the test said 93% percent accuracy on the day of your missed period. We were battling against 7%.... The hardest part is until that period actually comes there is a tiny little part of you hoping that your "Aunt Flo" never shows up and thinking its entirely possible that you are, in fact, pregnant. What is even harder is for you to act like you are pregnant- I still had no definite proof (screw you scientific test!) that I wasn't so how could I in good conscience drink or eat anything that could be harmful. By the way there is nothing like a negative pregnancy test to make you want a margarita. I remember feeling this way in college too, but for very different reasons.. ;)

So we waited for what we thought was the inevitable.. 5 days later I had still no period so we decided to test again. By now I had really mastered the art of the pee test. We waited the required 5 minutes and walked to the bathroom with significantly less enthusiasm than usual. The test results could really only be described as "maybe". There was the faintest pink dot on the positive side of the test. Perhaps some of the dye had leaked over? It certainly wasn't a line even a faint line...you almost needed a magnifying glass to see it. Ok at this point seriously?! what does that even mean?! A dot? Now its one thing to get the negative result be disappointed and throw the test away... its an entirely different to take the test AND HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE RESULT IS? At this point my sweet but dense husband made a joke; "obviously we will just have to wait a couple months just like your bar results". I wasn't amused. He went to work. I googled "pregnancy test faint dot" Google is great for a number of things but reassurance is not one of them. So we waited either for the elusive period or a clearer result.

The test you can't study for

So I have been peeing successfully for over 2_achem_ years.. I'm good at it. The one thing going into this brand new world that I felt confident about was my ability to pee.. when and where I wanted. Sure I may not be able to aim with the precision of my husband (although a groggy late night trip to the bathroom casts doubt on even his ability), but in general I can make it go where I want to it. Well I am about to learn my first two lessons of pregnancy

1) nothing is as easy as it should be

2) confidence is for fools

With this particular adventure the two are closely tied, because there really nothing as confidence shattering as failing a pee stick test...

Slight digression- I am an overachiever at heart. I LOVED school, LOVED learning and rocked most tests I took. In college as a history major I didn't just break curves I ripped them apart. I once had a professor who put in more than 100 possible points since his test was "so difficult it would be impossible to get an A" I got 110 (excuse the shameful boasting- I am exceptionally proud of this story- it will be the story I tell my grandchildren)

Anyway given this exceptional academic history and the fact that I was coming off a 3 month intensive study marathon post bar- I found it very difficult to just "take" a test... what does that even mean!? It turns out that a pregnancy test is one of those tests you don't study for you just squat and do it. Not letting that stop the innate student in me I did a neurotic amount of research on pregnancy tests, btw "morning pee" is a phrase I would like permanently stricken from my vocabulary, I also memorized the "how to" instructions that came with the test. I am going to confess that I may have highlighted portions of the instructions.

So I prepared and jotted my notes the best I could, I prepped the night before with a big glass or two of water and waited for the morning and its potent "morning pee".

First realization, when you have a bladder full of potent yet urgent morning pee- it difficult to concentrate on freeing a pee stick from a wrapping thats more suited to protecting nuclear reactors. Finally after some dancing and wiggling and a little swearing I got down to business.
Now you don't just hold the stick in the stream... no that would be TOO EASY instead you pee for 3 seconds then you have to hold it at a downward angle facing up for NOT MORE THAN 5 SECONDS (this was the highlighted part) then keeping it level you put it on a flat surface immediately... thats all fine and dandy if you only have 8 seconds worth of morning pee!
In retrospect I should have put it on the floor, but really who wants the moment they find out they will be parents to be while kneeling on the floor squinting at a stick? So over to the counter I waddle (be/c of the pjs around my ankles) drip drip drip dance dance wiggle wiggle drip drip as I arrange the stick perfectly for that "AWWW moment" I return to the toilet to complete my 15 other seconds of "morning pee"

3 minutes later... nothing.. not even the control line.. the one that intended to tell you if you did the test correctly and the test is working... Instead of two glorious lines of excitement and anticipation all my husband and I saw was a bluish cloud in the test window...maybe the morning pee was too potent.. perhaps I did not hold it at the proper 45 degree angle in the stream for exactly 5 seconds... hmm what did I do wrong??

After this failure of epic proportions I am left with just one thought... maybe I should have made the flashcards.....

How hard can this be?!

Everyone knows that having a baby means buying stuff... this of course starts with the purchse of the pregnancy test.

The purchase of the test- could there be more of a variety! When one is trying to be discreet about this particular purchase having to stare at 50 kinds of tests is not helpful. digital, 3 minute, 5 minutes, cup, stick, plus/minus, one line/two line, the choices are endless.
I have no particular expertise in this area, but I tried my best to logically narrow down the choices...

digital: really there is no need to make this more technological then it needs to be- OUT
plus/minus: math really never has been my strong suit and this is definitely one test I don't want to get wrong-OUT
Cup: just seems messy and like extra steps-OUT
5 minute versus 3 minute: like I tell my husband why take 5 minutes when 3 will do the job.. 5 minute test- OUT

So off I go with my rapid multi line stick test.. which promises "results 5 days before my missed period"...

Waiting Game

Contrary to Sister Mary 'Don't Have Sex or Jesus will Cry's teachings in my high school health class apparently you do not get pregnant every time you have sex.. (Sister Mary was off on a good number of things but more on that later) So it turns out that even once you finally decide "YES we are doing this" inevitably you have to wait for the "right time" to actually step off the plank before which is plenty of time to reconsider and hem and haw. Luckily for us it was pretty easy to calculate a good time to jump off the ship (despite my husband's insistence that we should practice....sneaky man...) So we walked the plank...

5 minutes later... ;) ....

The hardest part of trying to get pregnant is fortunately not the "getting pregnant" part.. that's pretty fun... its the waiting.. its sort of like playing the lottery and not knowing who has won (or lost depending on your views on procreation) until 2 weeks later.. or a better example- like the presidential election of 2000... There is also something about actually taking the plunge and deciding that you do, in fact, want a baby... suddenly every baby is a reminder of what you are waiting for and what possibly could already exist. Its a completely strange world to live in for 2 weeks. In my actions, I was pregnant- I avoided booze, various other no no foods, and any medications.. but I was careful to not get my hopes up about a person whom I had no idea whether or not they even existed. There is also the rational yet completely irrational panic attacks that it might not be possible to conceive.. Did I spend too much of my younger days standing in front of a microwave??? (yes that was a legitimate thought I had many many times during those two weeks)

Sidenote: this waiting game is very good to play if you are ever anticipating the results of another life altering test... like the Bar Exam. While most of my friends were agonizing over the possibility that they failed and eagerly/nervously marking off days until the results were posted, I was cool as cucumber barely even aware that my entire professional future was being determined..

The Fall of the Zebra

So back we are at the zebra imagery (please see previous post)

Imagine a sickly exhausted zebra who has just taken the bar exam.. push aside obvious issues of manual dexterity and lack of logical reasoning... This zebra in need of refreshment and some sustenance heads to the watering hole with her other bar-taking zebra friends and her hunky zebra husband, who is also in a distinctly vulnerable and impressionable mood as he has had to deal with bar studying zebra and all the "activities" that are de-prioritized as a result of said bar studying. Remember how we would hear about how Native American hunters used to dress up in the skins of their prey to sneak up on a herd of whatever they were hunting (sidenote: How the heck did this work.. I can see one buffalo saying to another "hey when did Bob the Buffalo grow two heads?") well essentially the same thing happened Hunky Husband Zebra and I were completely taken in by a hyena in zebra clothes who "casually" (ie with clear intention of exactly what she was about to leash) mentioned that Hunky Zebra should get Vulnerable Zebra pregnant... Vulnerable Zebra was much too exhausted to object and Hunky Zebra was far too excited by the prospects of getting in Vulnerable Zebra's stripped pants to think rationally... so we agreed... and that's how we made the decision to bring a new life into this world...

Weighing the Decision

In every marriage there is that discussion. When do we just give in to the nagging pressure from friends and family to have kids and just get it over with? My husband and I knew we wanted kids- not as much as everyone else wanted us to have kids- but it was in the future for us. Now for most people its a decision made after some introspection and probably a far too idealized conversation, but with two people with a combined 6 degrees from post secondary education- this would require charts and graphs and quite possibly a powerpoint presentation. So back and forth we went weighing the pros (babies are cute, the process is fun, I'm really sick of answering 'when are you guys going to have kids?') and the cons (unlike shoes you apparently cannot return babies without some involvement by the state).

Then the inevitable happened- our friends began procreating with a speed that would impress most rabbits. Suddenly we were surrounded by babies and pregnant glowing women who gushed about the joys of pregnancy. We were like the poor isolated sick zebra that gets ambushed by the pack of hyenas.. totally helpless.. I should have just waved my pack of birth control pills in surrender then and there. Alas, I had a pesky thing on my mind... the Bar Exam. Even if we had decided to have children, the Bar adequately took care of any desire to do anything that would lead to children.. so to the back burner the kid discussion went.

Enter my friend, M who despite not being part of this pregnant posse, turned out to be quite the little hyena herself....

Introduction

In the interest of Full Disclosure... I am writing this intro towards the end of my 11th week.. I figured a little perspective might be good.

This blog is intended to be my response to all the sugary sweet Pregnancy Journals.. if someone else tells me to journal my feelings so my baby can read them later I will strangle them... I have already been surprised by pregnancy and I am imagine my lack of knowledge and desperate need to be in control should make for some interesting experiences.

As this is my first pregnancy, I named this blog "Navigating the Bump" because I am trying to figure out my way through this "oh holy crap" journey. Despite all the books and websites I have read in preparation it turns out NOTHING can adequately prepare one for pregnacy.. not in the "oh its so amazing and such a personal experience" way.. no, books and websites lie and omit critical unsavory details..dirty bastards. Also I intend to show this blog to my 16 year old daughter before she goes on a date...



I apologize to anyone for several things..
- I understand that my experiences will not interest anyone nearly as much as they interest me.. therefore I hope to limit the "OH MY READ ABOUT MY MIRACLE" crap although I suspect it may happen at some point..feel free to skim or skip..
- Some of the posts will be GRAPHIC.. I am learning that pregnancy is not for the faint of heart, weak of stomach, or modest I will try my best to appreciate when some information may be TMI ( too much information) and provide a warning but its possible that as my own modesty barriers come crashing down I may lose the ability to properly judge..so sorry ahead of time
- I love my husband, he is my hero, my best friend and my soulmate but...I will inevitably complain about him... afterall this was as much his doing as mine... I will try to balance my complaints with compliments, but who knows what will happen...