Monday, October 3, 2011

Website of the Week

In pursuit of cooking dinners that are fast, cheap and convenient- Here is my favorite website for this week. http://www.prevention.com/recipefinderlandingpage/ Play around with it a little. You can enter your location and get recipes based on a food group (meat, eggs, veggies etc) and then it tells you what the prices of that item in stores around your location. And its Prevention magazine so the recipes are healthy. AWESOME!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

But I'm a new mom.....

I wonder how long "I just had a baby" will last as an excuse.  So far the current record holder is my mother with her "of course Im overweight- I had a baby" nevermind her youngest is approaching 30.... but I digress.  I believe the new mom excuse should be considered a complete pass.  For example- I get my vehicle sticker renewal in the mail. It says clear as day if I pay later than 10-31 I have to pay more... ok so I have like two months.... unfortunately I totally miss the line above also clear as day "expiration 9-30".... reading fail.  Fortunately, there is a DMV where I can handle this particular issue in person which is good because I doubt the cop giving me the ticket for expired plates would accept "but Im a new mom and didn't read the expiration
date"
Another area a complete pass should work is with lawn care. This is more a pass for my husband but hey he's a new dad and god knows I'm not letting him sleep if I can't. yea, I am just THAT mean. (sleep deprivation makes me vengeful) Anyway, in our small town apparently city officials have nothing better to do than take a ruler to our front yard and measure our weeds. So, of course, we are not keeping up on our yard work what with the new monumental task of keeping a newborn alive, so we get a letter from the city "informing" us that we need to cut our weeds as they have exceeded the 8 inch maximum and if we don't by X date they will do it for us. Not as a favor, of course, they would charge us and of course that AIN'T cheap when the city does it. Sigh- I feel it is completely legitimate for my husband to have called them and explained "but I'm a new dad..." I mean hell I gave him a new shirt that says it and everything!

So that's it for today hopefully I'll get a chance to write more tomorrow but of course I'm a new mom...

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Thought of the Day

As I sit here wondering where I can get cheesecloth in order to make my own yogurt- I realize that perhaps if one cannot seem to find time to shower one should just get their yogurt as God intended.. in a small container at the store.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

# 127 of Things Not to Do While Tired

It is best to be at least somewhat rested when attempted to use your breast pump.... Instead of turning the dial all the way to the left to turn it off- I turned it all the way to the right.. very quickly... I now resemble one of those women you see on the cover of National Geographic....

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Clash of the Titans

The moment the doctor placed a squalling bundle of joy on my chest said I just delivered a girl she matter as well have just said "Congrats, you just delivered a living terror who will do endless battle with you from this day forward. Of course, I love my child more than anything but I knew that my daughter would inevitably inherit certain personality traits from me- unbreakable willpower, unreserved and free flowing opinions and the total willingness to compromise and since the fates would conspire against me- the complete inability to see logic and reason (inherited, of course, from her father). Sure enough not yet 6 weeks into her young life and we have already butt heads.. I think she should sleep; she disagrees. I knew this would happen. I can easily see myself years down the road battling my daughters will...
" no, little 8 year old daughter, we are not getting a pony"

"hell no, 14 year old apple of my eye, you cannot get a tattoo"

"Absolutely not, 17 year old precious gem, I will not let you out of your room so you can run off and marry that tattooed long haired freak named Dirk and I dont care he has a motorcycle and a part time job at target"

As you can see I fully anticipated some epic battles in the future. What I was completely unprepared for is for my daughter's little iron will to present itself so early. I always considered baby cries to be so cute and sometimes she will cry in such a way that break my heart, but more often than not she will clench her fists look at me and bust out this high pitched yell. Its not a cry because its just one sustained sound like an angry troll shriek. Our biggest battles center around pacifiers, tummy time and eating.

I heard babies sometimes have preferences for pacifiers... I was unprepared for the fact that there would be one ONE type of pacifier my daughter will allow. Any attempts to trick her will be met with her swift form of justice- spitting the offensive pacifier out and yelling that troll yell while angrily shaking her fists. Who knew that a tiny 6 week old could force two grown adults to run around at 3 am desperately searching for THE pacifier (yes we have since gotten more than one) She wins this round

As a nursing mother I am entirely under my daughter's minuscule thumb when it comes to eating. She says when and how long. I knew this when I signed up for "on demand" feedings I did not sign up for a middle of the night Reign of Terror. Instead of one long sustained chow session she has the propensity to treat my breasts as an all you can eat buffet. You know how it works.. you go to the buffet gorge for a couple minutes sit back relax and then go back.. repeat several times all in a gluttonous attempt to get your money's worth. Several times a night she will demurely eat and fall sound asleep after 4 minutes only to wake up an hour later screaming for more. This sh*t may have been acceptable when her tummy was the size of a marble but I will not have this! I am determined to end this tit tyranny! Unfortunately the only option is to just ignore these plaintive cries for nourishment... I steel myself to attempt this- however, the little wench has convinced my breasts to defect onto her side causing the traitorous orbs to gush like Niagara at any attempts to ignore her demands.... This round also goes to her.

tummy time.... sigh. This is our epic battle. I know she needs it if she is ever going to be a functioning being, she refuses to see the logic in this argument and screams bloody murder the second her round little tummy hits her way too expensive, animals of the world, sensory stimulating, activity mat. I can really only tolerate about 30 seconds of this noise before I pick her up and cuddle her against my now soaking wet shirt and am immediately rewarded with a sly grin and despotic giggle...

we have, at least for now, reached a detente of sorts. I wake up and feed her as many times as she would like and she responds to my insistence on tummy time, not with angry screaming that makes my ears bleed but rather with passive resistance.. she immediately falls asleep and is peaceful as can be... I guess thats the Ghandi response of the baby world.....

Monday, August 8, 2011

Back off or I will rip your face off

Since having a child I feel a new found sympathy and camaraderie towards those mother grizzlies that attack seemingly innocent hikers that gets within 50 yards of their cubs. I never thought I would be over protective to the point of near physical violence but somehow that switch gets turned on. My husband has not been immune to similar feelings of papa bearness. It wasnt two days after we got our precious miracle home that we needed to venture out back into the germ infested hospital. We bundled her up and protectively carried her in her covered carseat between us walking remarkably quickly to our destination. As we make our way through the hallway we pass by a seemingly harmless man who then has the audacity to sneeze within 10 feet of our newborn fragile daughter!!! Yea sure he covered his nose and mouth but I know germs got through (have you ever tried to keep water in your hand - it leaks through?!) I somehow manage to not rip his germy little head off and we speed past quickly. As we wait for the elevator and fervently hope that no one else would ride along with us- closed space, germy people, no air... might as well dip our daughter into a petri dish! , my husband leans in and whispers- "is it wrong that I really wanted to punch that guy in the face?" somehow his own rage that matched mine was a comfort to me.

I thought this was a phase attributable to her fragile new immune system and my newness as a mother. I never expected the crazy need to purell every visitor to remain an integral part of my personality nor the deep breath I take whenever anyone approaches her carrier. I can feel myself preparing for battle- my muscles steeling themselves in preparation to either flee with my infant or fight off the well meaning, but dangerous attack, my tongue sharpening against my teeth ready to viciously chastise those who dare come too close or god forbid touch, my eagle eyes glued on every ones hands for the first sign of any attempts at physical contact and my brain feverishly trying to ascertain the worst potential predator- is it the woman with the oh too curious looking germ filled child? is it walking bacteria factory cleverly disguised as a ignorant teenager eager to squeal at my precious bundle of cuteness or is it the grandmotherly old lady who is equally as armed as me wiht her own weapons of insidious comments and unwanted advice. It doesn't matter I am well prepared to maul each of them or all three of them at once if need be- hell I'll also take down that creepy would-be pedophile with the moustache standing in the corner while I am at it.

Perhaps my grizzliness took its truest form while at Church. The problem with church is that its a bunch of germy strangers crammed into a tiny space touching and talking and pretending they are some sort of closeknit community. I dread the moments we shake hands and ache with impatience looking for the next opportunity I can discreetly disinfect myself. My papa bear husband and I try to get there early to get the last pew so that no one is leaning over our daughter's carrier (placed protectively on the pew between us) and breathing their foul breath on her. Last week we missed the opportunity and we were stuck sitting in front of a young man. oh well he probably wont be interested enough to lean close to her plus hes fairly tall hopefully his germs would drift right over her. Then to my absolute horror he moves over to let his wife and 4 small children in next to him. As his young daughters lean dangerously close to my daughters sleeping face I can feel myself stiffen- What do I do? Do I say something? Do I risk waking my peaceful child up just to hold her in my protective arms away from the breathy assault of this young brood behind me? As I contemplate my next move my husband leans in and whispers "I can actually hear you growling".... the metamorphosis is complete. I have officially become a vicious overprotective grizzly bear- growl and all and if you don't stay at least 10 feet away from my child you can rest assure I am imagining ripping your body apart limb from limb.

Oops blogging fail

Obviously, I am not very good at keeping up with posting. Oh well. I have some other posts regarding my pregnancy in the hopper they just need some tweaking. In the meantime I will blog as I feel it and keep checking for backdated posts.. :)

Monday, July 11, 2011

Hospital Bag

I read LOTS of lists of everything I should bring with me to the hospital and lots and lots of books about what I should expect..some suggestions were great ( a smuggled in sandwich) some were downright dumb (cards.. yea because anyone really wants to play go fish with a woman having contractions...) So this is it- the end all be all list of what you actually need if you are laboring in an hospital. Seriously throw away those books.

1- a Smuggled in sandwich- they won't let you eat when you are there but that is just crazy-making. During a typical labor and delivery you burn around 30,000 calories (Google) Your body simply cannot do it without food. Now I understand that there are risks to eating and that you should be mindful, but in my case I went in at 7 and was barely barely dilated- I knew I had a long day..night ahead of me so yea I ate a peanut butter and helly sandwich and you know what it was delicious and kept me from killing my husband, parents, nurses and a kindly old lady who passed me during my many hallway walk-abouts

2- Slippers. The idea of my socked feet touching the floor that has seen placenta, womb juice and let's not kid ourselves the occasional 'damn he's slippery' baby got me skeeved out. I have a foot thing- like I can't get into bed with dirty feet or socks I've worn around. So if you are ok doing that skip the slippers and wear your placenta laden socks to bed.

3- 'Nutritional' bars. I am fairly certain I can't legally name them, but you know what I'm talking about. These are more to keep hubby happy and while that’s not too high on my agenda once I'm IN LABOR-Not being in labor makes me significantly more magnanimous. Plus who wants a cranky hungry hubby!!
4- Electrolyte drink- again with the generic names, but you know it. This is again for the hubby…

4- Tennis balls in a clean gym sock. This is a dual purpose item. First off it is GREAT to use to press on that area of your back that is in so much pain you want to dig it out with a spoon. (if you never went into labor you don't know that pain but trust me- its awful so plan ahead) Second and I argue more importatly it provides the perfect blend of hardness and bounce to walup your hubby when he annoys you. The sock gives you a good handle and provides stretch to reach several more inches and the tennis balls hurt just enough to get him back in line without leaving welts.

5- Unscented massage oil- Unscented because yea you think you love the smell of vanilla now (be honest it makes you think of cupcakes) but when you are suffering through endless contractions you may hate it) Digression- this theory also applies to hubby's aftershave, shampoo, deodorant, breath.. so be prepared to make him shower and rebrush. The oil is good be/c this is the last time anyone will be nice enough to massage your aching shoulders or sausage feet. Sorry but true.

6- Birth Book- the kind that you can get your baby's footprints stamped in. You will want it but be way too tired to remember to do it on your own.

7- going home outfit for baby. Not for you just wear home what you wore to the hospital no one is looking at you anyway. But the baby- yes he/ she needs something special and WEATHER APPROPRIATE.

That's it. That is all you need. I promise you.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I'm In Love

(you all knew this was coming)  For all my bitching and complaining- I must admit all those moms that told it was completely worth it were absolutely right.  At the time, I figured it was something they say to recruit unsuspecting victims into the Mommy Club  or to console those foolish enough to believe them enough to get pregnant.  I heard of moms feeling that gush of love as soon as their baby is put on their chest-  I don't think I felt that way.  I suppose I had already gotten used to loving my little bundle of personality when she was in the womb- she had a very distinct personality. So similar to mine I couldnt help but to feel pride that my surly opinionated genes had outmatched my husband's congenial polite ones.  (Score one for the bitch genes!!)  I loved that she angrily kicked me when I changed positions causing her to shift and sway in her little watery abode.  I love that she refused to do what I wanted when I wanted it but instead acquiesced on her own terms (like flipped from breech to head first)  When she was born and put on my chest and immediately pooped all over me I loved that I hadnt imagined that stubborn 'haha screw you' streak.  I think it was the combination of pride and complete awe that overcame me rather than intense feelings of love... no those feelings came slowly trickle by trickle at unexpected moments.
Like in the middle of the night when thank God she finally latched on and I readjusted so I don't feel like my tit is on fire- I look down at her content little face as she guzzles away like a frat boy at the keg and I feel it. When she makes eye contact with me (true its a squinty eyed extremely suspicious glare, but its eye contact) and I feel it. I think I feel it the most when I see my two greatest loves interacting- the sight of my husband cooing and oogling over the tiniest little bundle in his arms has made me happier and more content than I ever thought possible (it might also be because of our 'if she does it while you have her.. you change her' rule combined with the sheer fact that for the time being I am not holding her and my arms get a much needed rest)
As she gets a little older and more like a baby and less like a tightly swaddled sausage- I feel it even more- there is really nothing as intensely amazing as when your child smiles at you (actually AT you not in your proximity by accident)

I could of course go on and on, but I have a poopy diaper to change :)

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Bowl Full of Jelly

Now that I am not puking my internals out and I have a deliciously round belly I am actually enjoying being pregnant- I am a delightful preggo. I heard the worst part of pregnancy is the third trimester and after my first I was TERRIFIED. but I gotta say I am freaking ROCKING this trimester as in I made it my bi*ch.

So in a rare moment of positive posting (don't get used to it) I am going to gush about the things I love about the 3rd trimester.

First, of all my belly moves. This might totally freak some people out, but it sort of makes me feel all powerful. I was able to totally send my nephew screaming from the room just by showing him my mishappen tummy move. I swear my darling fetus shares my unnatural love for 80's music and happily does a little fetus dance everytime Footloose blasts.


My husband is extra fabulous. I try not to gush about the hubby, because really who wants to read about that, but I think he is starting to really get it. Apparently that whole heartbeat/ ultrasound thing didn't really convince him. Now that our fetus has a personality its like he feels closer to it. He has been reading Harry Potter to the bump for a couple weeks now and its gotten to the point where he says in a very distinct and special voice "and NOW are you READY for HARRY POTTER?" and we can actually see baby move and kick and almost seem to settle down eager to hear him read.

I am pretty cranky person in general, but when you are this big people just assume you are going to eat them or something so they are EXTRA nice to you. People just get out of my way like I'm the freaking Queen of Sheba (in case you haven't noticed I like attention and power :)

I feel great, which makes no sense because I am huge. Not only does EVERYTHING taste wonderful, but my skin looks great and I have no signs of swelling. (I know brag brag brag, but after that 1st trimester I am owed a little bragging!)

I can eat whatever I want with no judgment. 2 big macs and a large strawberry shake that I dip my fries into... ohh yea because of course Im obviously pregnant. Forget for a moment that I TOTALLY ate that before...) Another slice of cake... yes please!

Expectant mom parking. Ok I actually don't use this because I feel I should save it for moms that are feeling all yucky, but I just love that it exists and wanted to give it a yay! shout-out.

Ok all that talk about big macs and milkshakes made me hungry....

Friday, April 1, 2011

Please Excuse me while I Scratch...

While I have long sung the praises of maternity pants, I have discovered one unfortunate downside- they happen to exponentially increase the itchiness of the rapidly expanding belly. Now for those who have not experienced experiences the miracle that is tummy expansion, evidently being stretched like taffy makes your belly VERY VERY itchy. And no despite all their claims skin creams DO NOTHING except make you smell like a coconut scratch and sniff sticker. In the privacy of my home I am free to scratch with wild abandon.. (think rabid dog with fleas) however, I recall my mom telling my brother "it is rude to scratch in public". Add to this plight the itchy material of maternity pants and you are basically in hell.
At work I really can't stop myself and frankly its starting to get weird... not only does maternity pants make you itchier but the sheer design that I once loved and praised so exuberantly now has made discreet itching a mere dream. Now I have to lift up the maternity shirts and pull down the maternity pant panel and then oh sweet sweet relief. Unfortunately I have some sort of crossed wires in my mind that cause me to close my eyes while scratching my tummy (and no I can't pat my head while scratching the tummy)
But it has occurred to me that there is a distinct possibility of my coworkers walking past my desk seeing me leaning back belly exposed in its full pale grotesquely rounded glory calmly scratching away with my eyes closed.... yea sort of like the gorillas you see at the zoo... well hopefully they are just grateful that I am not throwing feces at them...

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

A little entertainment..

As this pregnancy progresses I realize I have to get my entertainment in less traditional ways. Gone are the days when I could drink tequila and ride a mechanical bull (Ok perhaps I never did that, but now 7 months pregnant I am kind of sorry I didnt!)  Unfortunately the highlight of my weekend is usually donning a pair of freshly washed pjs, gobbling a sundae and watching my tummy move to the beat of 'Footloose'.  

I have, however, discovered a truly delightful form of entertainment available only to the large bellied preggos out there.  Food shopping... well food shopping with a twist.  I inadvertantly discovered this game while picking up a missing dinner ingredient (sour cream) and also indulging a last minute craving (cheetos)   When a preggo puts sour cream and cheetos on the checkout counter it becomes very obvious that the cashier ASSUMES you are going to eat the two items together... I call this :the pickles and ice cream assumption".
 
So far my favorite combination to purchase has been Mayo and grapes. The cashier actually looked at my tummy at the items back to the tummy and then at me with her eyebrows raised and a delightful chuckle.
 although fish sticks and vanilla frosting was a close runner up. (No chuckle)
 
this only works with less than 3 items... 2 is ideal but anything more than 3 completely loses the effect because then its just regular food shopping. But for those preggos who are looking for a little pregnancy only fun- I HIGHLY recommend it.


Sidenote- fish sticks IN vanilla frosting has actually proven to be delicious... I can not say the same for the grapes and mayo- that one was a little disappointing.

Monday, January 31, 2011

The Birth Board


If you don't have children (either already cooked or still in the oven) or have many friends that have babies.. this term "birth board" is completely foreign and probably conjures some odd images. As one friend said "is that something you use for labor?" If you would like to stay blissfully ignorant please feel free to skip, but if you are feeling brave or just dangerously curious read on

Birth Board is a online community message board that one joins for information or support. It can be divided into "birth month", certain complications, or certain situations. That's the technical definition.. what it really is is a place for absolutely bat sh*t crazy preggos to go infect other preggos with their insane anxieties, spread their ridiculous parenting choices, and subject everyone else to mindless information about their "miracle".... (sort of like what this blog is...hmmm oh well)
Now if you are unfamiliar with a birth board you are probably thinking "my my that's pretty harsh" no in truth its really quite kind and restrained.

Anyway against all better judgment I joined a "June 2011" birth board. At first I only used it for informational purposes like posts regarding certain "must haves" and "first time mom tips" but slowly I got sucked into vortex of insanity and drama.. it felt like a bad reality show where I could actually tell the characters that they are crazy. Now I am slightly opinionated and it just so happens that birth boarders (yes thats what they shall be called) are needy and desperate for outside validation from complete and total strangers especially it seems on the choice of their child's name. Now don't get me wrong I have floated name choices past friends and family, but they are good name choices. When someone wanted to name their child after a type of fabric or a spare car part and then asks what people think.. in the legal world that's called assumption of the risk (sort of) My issues with bad names is for another post.. But basically I quickly discovered a couple previously unknown things about preggos
1- We like to do things are way.. not just in the way everyone like to do their own thing.. but in that scary mother lion "I will rip your head off if you question me way"
2- Some of these women have hormone levels that would rival most high schools (not high school students individually- the collective total hormone levels of the student body). Anyone who has had the pleasure of dealing with a pregnant woman knows I do not exaggerate.
3- We like to judge others...while this is certainly a human trait something about points 1 and 2 make for a lethal combination...I suspect its the need to validate our own choices by vehemently disregarding any other option and then brutally judging the other person
4- Preggos are sort of lonely.. I don't mean this in a sad woe is me way, but there is something happening to a pregnant woman that really only a similarly situated preggo can understand. My wonderful friends indulge all my endless complaints and random 'who really cares but me' musings with the most compassion, patience and excitement I could ever dream of and I am eternally grateful for them, but at the end of the day all of these "issues" are happening to me. No one else is experiencing exactly what I am at that moment. Somehow talking to a preggo who is in the same week as you makes it all little less lonely (and less scary)... chances are we are both experiencing movement for the first time, or the same "what the heck was that" ache. Now its great, really really great, to have friends who have been there already who can say "oh I remember that.. it goes away" that light at the end of the tunnel is INVALUABLE, but the day to day bitching about the complaint du jour is also nice.
5- some preggos are on bedrest- this makes for PROLIFIC and sometimes completely random posts... hey I get it.. sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night wondering what pacifier is better, but I sure as hell don't hop up to blog about it....

6-Its anonymous.. back in the day when you had to comment to people face to face you were forced to be civil. When you discussed personal issues with someone you see often you used discretion and tact... well that's all shot to hell in age of faceless computer posting.

The combination of these 6 realities create a tempest of epic portions known as the birth board