The test you can't study for

So I have been peeing successfully for over 2_achem_ years.. I'm good at it. The one thing going into this brand new world that I felt confident about was my ability to pee.. when and where I wanted. Sure I may not be able to aim with the precision of my husband (although a groggy late night trip to the bathroom casts doubt on even his ability), but in general I can make it go where I want to it. Well I am about to learn my first two lessons of pregnancy

1) nothing is as easy as it should be

2) confidence is for fools

With this particular adventure the two are closely tied, because there really nothing as confidence shattering as failing a pee stick test...

Slight digression- I am an overachiever at heart. I LOVED school, LOVED learning and rocked most tests I took. In college as a history major I didn't just break curves I ripped them apart. I once had a professor who put in more than 100 possible points since his test was "so difficult it would be impossible to get an A" I got 110 (excuse the shameful boasting- I am exceptionally proud of this story- it will be the story I tell my grandchildren)

Anyway given this exceptional academic history and the fact that I was coming off a 3 month intensive study marathon post bar- I found it very difficult to just "take" a test... what does that even mean!? It turns out that a pregnancy test is one of those tests you don't study for you just squat and do it. Not letting that stop the innate student in me I did a neurotic amount of research on pregnancy tests, btw "morning pee" is a phrase I would like permanently stricken from my vocabulary, I also memorized the "how to" instructions that came with the test. I am going to confess that I may have highlighted portions of the instructions.

So I prepared and jotted my notes the best I could, I prepped the night before with a big glass or two of water and waited for the morning and its potent "morning pee".

First realization, when you have a bladder full of potent yet urgent morning pee- it difficult to concentrate on freeing a pee stick from a wrapping thats more suited to protecting nuclear reactors. Finally after some dancing and wiggling and a little swearing I got down to business.
Now you don't just hold the stick in the stream... no that would be TOO EASY instead you pee for 3 seconds then you have to hold it at a downward angle facing up for NOT MORE THAN 5 SECONDS (this was the highlighted part) then keeping it level you put it on a flat surface immediately... thats all fine and dandy if you only have 8 seconds worth of morning pee!
In retrospect I should have put it on the floor, but really who wants the moment they find out they will be parents to be while kneeling on the floor squinting at a stick? So over to the counter I waddle (be/c of the pjs around my ankles) drip drip drip dance dance wiggle wiggle drip drip as I arrange the stick perfectly for that "AWWW moment" I return to the toilet to complete my 15 other seconds of "morning pee"

3 minutes later... nothing.. not even the control line.. the one that intended to tell you if you did the test correctly and the test is working... Instead of two glorious lines of excitement and anticipation all my husband and I saw was a bluish cloud in the test window...maybe the morning pee was too potent.. perhaps I did not hold it at the proper 45 degree angle in the stream for exactly 5 seconds... hmm what did I do wrong??

After this failure of epic proportions I am left with just one thought... maybe I should have made the flashcards.....